Starting this blog has been *hard*. It still is. I don't know how to articulate these thoughts without feeling forced. it was much easier with my cancer chronicles, but I was also hypomanic through most of that time, so there's that. I wonder if I'm afraid of starting because the writing won't be as good.
It was easy to be glib about my cancer experience, not a lot of stigmas there. When I had my latest breakdown in August of 2015 I thought about publically chronicling my progress, but I was afraid that I'd never find a job again. I was afraid I'd be ridiculed for my weakness of character. Cancer isn't a personality flaw. It isn't a thing that carries shame and regret. It isn't a condition that alienates friends and abuses family. It never made me want to disappear from the world. It never took away my ability to form sentences. It never made me fear my thoughts and words.
I've been going over the last four years of journals I've kept since my bipolar2 diagnosis. It's interesting to see the similarity between the struggles I had then and the struggles I have today. Then and now my mental health is yoked to racism. It's taken me years to grok the relationship between white supremacist culture and my bipolar2 brain. Now that I have a better understanding I feel compelled to be public about this work. I hope that it can help other white and white-identified people examine their own relationship with white supremacy culture in the context of their mental health.
September 2015:
"I think white America stays willfully ignorant to the horror of our racist institutions because they can't handle the guilt and embarrassment. It's time to dig in and confront some uncomfortable truths. As Papa Willmore says: 'Just because it's sad doesn't mean you get to ignore it.' The truth is, it doesn't feel good to be ignorant or sad, but if we choose to be sad we can pass through the mourning and really identify the key moments and systems that facilitate these terrible tragedies."
It was easy to be glib about my cancer experience, not a lot of stigmas there. When I had my latest breakdown in August of 2015 I thought about publically chronicling my progress, but I was afraid that I'd never find a job again. I was afraid I'd be ridiculed for my weakness of character. Cancer isn't a personality flaw. It isn't a thing that carries shame and regret. It isn't a condition that alienates friends and abuses family. It never made me want to disappear from the world. It never took away my ability to form sentences. It never made me fear my thoughts and words.
I've been going over the last four years of journals I've kept since my bipolar2 diagnosis. It's interesting to see the similarity between the struggles I had then and the struggles I have today. Then and now my mental health is yoked to racism. It's taken me years to grok the relationship between white supremacist culture and my bipolar2 brain. Now that I have a better understanding I feel compelled to be public about this work. I hope that it can help other white and white-identified people examine their own relationship with white supremacy culture in the context of their mental health.
September 2015:
"I think white America stays willfully ignorant to the horror of our racist institutions because they can't handle the guilt and embarrassment. It's time to dig in and confront some uncomfortable truths. As Papa Willmore says: 'Just because it's sad doesn't mean you get to ignore it.' The truth is, it doesn't feel good to be ignorant or sad, but if we choose to be sad we can pass through the mourning and really identify the key moments and systems that facilitate these terrible tragedies."
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